Monday, July 18, 2011

Adoptive Parenting

Yes, I am an adoptive mother.  My two year old, James, was placed in our home when he was 2.5 months old.  He was adopted when he was 13 months old.  Sam was placed in our home at 1.5 months old, and we are awaiting his adoption date.


Why are you adopting? Are you unable to have children of your own?
Since this seems to be a common question, I will go ahead and address it.  As far as we know, we have no infertility issues.  My husband has always thought it would be wonderful to adopt children who, through no fault of their own, need a family to take care of them.  God spoke to my heart and put me on the same page as my husband, and we have gone forward with the foster-adopt, and honestly we do not plan on birthing any children.  In fact, my husband had a vasectomy done after the adoption of James was finalized.  There is always that small chance we could become pregnant anyway, and if that is the case, we will sum it up that God really wanted us to birth a child.

Do I regret the decision to create my family through adoption?
NO WAY!!  I am content and at peace with our decision.  I have been blessed with the most precious boys in the whole world (a mother's bias, of course), and I love them with my whole heart.  I feel blessed beyond measure!

What are some of the difficulties of adoption?
To me, there are several factors that create difficulties unlike those of natural born families.
***Not knowing family history is HUGE!  James is a really smart two year old, and he seems to be doing well on all accounts, but down the road, there may very well be issues due to the exposure he endured while in the womb.  The same applies for Sam...although in his case there are other mental health issues stacked against him as well.  Only time will tell...
***There are physical differences between my husband and myself and our two boys as well...more so with James than with Sam...although differences all the same.  Hopefully since they both share some similarities in their differences, this will create a strong brotherly bond.  
***Finding birth family creates an interesting puzzle as well.  James never had visits with his birth family after he entered our home.  I have some basic information (no pictures) about his parents, and we (my husband and I) will be willing to help him find them when he is older, but it will be difficult to locate them.  Sam, on the other hand, has visits with his birth father, so we will have a picture of him to show Sam, and we have contact with a family friend who could help us find the birth parents down the road (if there isn't an open adoption worked out in the meantime).  How hard is that going to be for my boys?  One of them has a lot of information that can be given, and the other very little.  I imagine that in itself will create some problems.
***Creating an environment where the children feel safe to express their opinions and work through their feelings on adoption can be tricky as well.  We made an adoption book for James, our oldest, and we will pull it out and read it to him occasionally.  It is a very basic book, but it walks through his adoption story at a very basic level.  As he gets older and wants to know more, we can explain the best we can to him at an age appropriate level.  Once Sam's adoption goes through, we will create an adoption book for him as well.  However, I cannot even imagine all the grief and pain that my boys will feel because their parents were unable and/or unwilling to put their child's needs first.  How do I explain to my son that he has two older brothers, both adopted by different families, he is with us, and his birth mom has his younger brother?

It will be a difficult road ahead.  We are preparing for storms to brew as our boys grow, get older and process their stories better.  However, we will be here for our boys as their parents and will help them in any way we can.  God has called us to create our family in this way, and throughout my lifetime I will pray that He gives me wisdom in how to handle all the adoption issues that may arise.

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