Sibling Visits

James and David

Towards the beginning of January we had sibling visit with the older adopted brothers of James and David.  This was our second get together with all three families (technically we saw one of the families when we went to Disneyland).  We invited everyone to come to our house since the weather is questionable at this time of year.  Everyone stayed for about five hours before they finally departed and went their own ways.  It was great to see the boys all interact together.  James seemed to gravitate to his oldest brother, Andy.  This may be because James had just seen Andy in Disneyland, or it could be because Andy was the first to arrive, and James and Andy were able to play for about an our before Ted showed up, or it could just because James is more drawn towards Andy...who knows.  James did play with Ted as well, but he definitely seemed to stick closer to Andy.

The awkward moments of the visit included not being informed that we would be exchanging gifts.  It was after Christmas, and honestly, we just didn't think about it.  Well...we felt absolutely awful because the other families came bearing gifts galore.  I am not exaggerating when I say it was like Christmas morning in our house all over again (that is how many gifts were given).  We did speak with the other families, and it has been decided in the future, it will discussed in advance, so all families are aware of the plans regarding gifts.  This is just one of the little ways we are reminded that we are new to the group, and they already have quite the established relationship developed.  Another way it is pointed out that we are new and still in "probationary mode" is the fact that after each get together the other two families always immediately get together to "debrief" about the visit.

One of the families seems really open to getting together whenever we can make it happen.  This is Andy's family, the one we met up with at Disneyland.  However, Ted's family, or should I say his mom, seem to think if my family is getting together with them, the other family must be present as well.  This was shown to me when I discussed going to the beach together sometime, and the dad was enthusiastic about it, yet his wife started suggesting beaches much farther away that would allow all families to participate.  It will be interesting to see how all of our relationships develop.  We definitely want a good relationship for the sake of our boys and their siblings, but right now, in the beginning stages, it is quite difficult.

Sam

We had an unexpected couple of visits with Sam's older brother, Tom, this month as well.  This is the same brother we had court ordered visits with when Sam was a foster child.  We received a call from Tom's mom (she finally adopted him in November...thank goodness!) stating that she would be moving out of state in eight days and would like to get the boys together for pictures before they left.  We, of course, were more than willing to make that work; my husband even took a day off work, so he could be present.  The first visit we had one day notice (very typical of this lady).  We met at park and played for a little over an hour.  It was interesting to say the least.  A birth aunt was there although we were not informed in advance that she would...supposedly she is the most normal of their family.  When it was time to leave, the mom wanted to get together one more time, so we set up a decision to get together Sunday late afternoon.  That was cancelled very last minute and rescheduled to the following day in the evening.  We met at Burger King (not our pick), and the kids played in the play area...although they didn't really play that much together.

We are glad we got together with Tom before he moved away.  I was able to get some cute pictures of the brothers together.  We are sad that he moved out of state.  We always thought he could be a biological connection for Sam as he got older because it seemed like their plan was to stay here indefinitely.  It is sad to see that forced away from Sam.  It isn't Sam's fault his parents couldn't take care of him.  It isn't Sam's fault he was separated from his siblings (not that he has ever really known them).  This isn't how a family is supposed to be...you are supposed to be raised by your parents and live with your siblings.  Don't get me wrong, we choose to adopt our children, and I love our family, but I feel so bad that we cannot give them what they may need as they get older.  At least James has David, a biological connection in our home, and he also has the connection with his older adopted brothers which I think will always be available to him.  Right now Sam has no connections.  We are still hoping if his birth parents have another child, we will be able to take that child in, so Sam, too, can have a biological connection in our home.

Did I mention James thinks it is so cool that Sam has a "faraway brother" too?  This is the coinage we have come up with to help James process why his brothers do not live with him.

My Thoughts

It is hard being an adoptive parent, not knowing what your kids will need as they get older as far as biological connections and information related to their birth families. I know even giving birth to a child, you don't know how they will handle situations as they get older, and you try your best to set them up for success, but you cannot control the choices they make.  In my mind, that feel so magnified as an adoptive parent because there are so many factors at play, and we don't have the complete story.  We don't know the genetics or health history.  You are always left wondering is this just because the child is __ years old or is a reflection of the drug use they were exposed to in the womb.  Will they choose to follow the path of their birth family as they get older (not so much as in seeking out their birth families...we will help coordinate that when they are adults [18] and can handle everything that encompasses that decision)...but the choice to use drugs, give away their bodies, and continue the cycle of CPS in their lives.  We certainly hope through our prayers and modeling, we can help them choose a good life for themselves.  However, I am no fool.  I know even in birth families, children make their own decisions.  After all my two brothers both dealt with a lot of issues in their teen years and beyond.  I only want what is best for my boys, and I want to be able to give them what they need as they get older, but I don't know if I will be able to...either because of my limited knowledge or the severed relationships that won't be put back together.  It is all so mind boggling.

Long Time

It has been a long while since I have even logged onto this site.  I guess I needed a break from this all.  However, I have missed having a journal type space to write down thoughts.  I even considered buying myself an actual journal to dialogue in, but it is so much quicker and easier to type than it is to write.  Given that my three little ones keep me so busy, I don't always have the greatest amount of free time for that sort of thing.  : )

Let me try to update on the boys and our family in a general manner to kind of catch us all up to speed...

**Birth dad never showed for either of the visits he scheduled to see David.  I showed up with the baby as well as my caseworker, but the birth dad never came...he didn't even bother to call the second time.  My worker called him once he was ten minutes late.

**We filed for DeFacto parent status for David and were granted it towards the end of December.  This allows us access to what takes place at court and also gives us a preferential treatment as far as adoption and everything else goes.

**The .26 hearing (termination of parental rights hearing) for David took place this month.  Parental rights were terminated.  Now we have to wait out the appeal period.  About mid-March, we should be able to sign intent to adopt paperwork and get an adoption date scheduled with the court.

**We have been to the snow twice this year as a family (well...technically once last year and once this year).  We went up Christmas Eve morning for a snowshoe trip and then on New Year's Day just to play in the snow.

**We have been on one hike as a family this year so far.  One lesson I learned is David is going to need to start being carried in a backpack carrier for hikes.  He is getting too heavy to lug around in the Bjorn.

**We have found a system that seems to work well for getting Sam to fall asleep (both at nap and bedtime).  Basically we allow him to take some books to bed with him and leave the light on, so he can read them to himself.  He usually falls asleep with a book open across his lap.  It is pretty adorable.

**David was starting to sleep through the night before he got his most recent cold.  He is not fully recovered yet, but I am getting up at least once a night with him at the moment.  Hopefully once he is back to normal, he will return to sleeping through the night.  David does, however, fall asleep on his own without having to be rocked all the way to sleep.

**James has recently started to learn how to kick and use his arms while swimming.  He really enjoys his swim lessons, and often I have to drag him out of the pool when his class time is over.

**In January we had visits with both James' and David's older adopted siblings as well as a couple visits with Sam's older adopted brother (the one we used  to have court ordered visits with).  I will try to do a separate post on those visits at a later time. 

**The adoption support group we started at our church seems to finally be gathering a core group of members who come regularly.  This may also be a separate post later.

There is plenty more that has happened, but I will leave it at this for now and will try to post more regularly to update on life and whatever things come up in the future.

Possible Visits AGAIN

I received a call from my agency worker today.  Apparently David's county worker called to inform us that David's birth dad has been calling her repeatedly about having visits with David.  Why the county worker waited until now to pass on the information I don't know.  Anyway...we are being told to set up visits twice a month for one hour of supervised visitation with the baby.

Last time birth dad requested visits, we set it up quickly and everyone showed up except birth dad.  Then we never heard from him again and he didn't attend the last court hearing either. That visit was supposed to take place in early September.

So far to date birth dad has not seen David once except perhaps if he was present at the hospital when David was born.  David is now five months old and has just hit the separation anxiety really well.  In fact recently we had two family members baby-sit the boys for us (each at a different time), and David cried almost the whole time we were gone.  Then this weekend when I put David in the nursery, I was paged within the first twenty minutes of service (if not sooner) because David kept crying and would not calm down.  He is definitely expressing the fact that he is feeling attached and bonded, and as an adoptive mother, I am grateful for that...even if it is not always convenient and even if David is hitting the separation anxiety far earlier than James did (James was closer to nine months).

I will be interested to see 1) if birth dad will show up to the visits he is requesting 2) if David will cry the entire or almost the entire time and 3) how well birth dad handles a crying baby and whether he wants to schedule any more visits afterward.

The court date to terminate parental rights is set for January, so it is important we get the visits rolling if the birth dad is requesting them, so they cannot be used as a basis for appeal...not given your right to visit your child. 

I do have those pictures I printed for birth dad back for his September visit.  Now I just need to decide if I will provide additional ones or just leave it at that for now.  Also I should probably pick up a disposable camera in case birth dad does show up.  It would be nice to have something to offer both David and James as they get older if they are curious about what their birth dad looks like.

I was quite frustrated when I first got the voicemail from my agency worker, but now that I have talked with her and realize the visits will only be twice a week, I am handling it a lot better.  I did give my worker fair warning that David will most likely cry the entire time.

A Family Renunion of Sorts

This Saturday we were fortunate to meet and spend several hours with the two families that have James' and David's adopted brothers.  The other two families have been in relationship for a few years now, so they know each other quite well.  We were not only new to the group, but we are also the family with the most and youngest of all the children...as well as the youngest set of parents which the oldest set felt the need to point out.

The night before our meeting, we sat with James after Sam was in bed and talked to him about his brothers and how we would be seeing them at a park the next day.  We used the term "faraway brothers" to help with James' understanding.  He liked looking at their pictures of his brothers, and he wanted to see where they lived, so my husband pulled up a map and showed him.  We left plenty of time to ask questions, and mostly James wanted to know why his brothers lived faraway.  He said it wasn't nice that they lived far away.  James is excited that one of his brothers has a farm though.  Some day in the future, we will have to try to visit them at their home because James would really enjoy that.

At the beginning on Saturday, it was a bit awkward all the way around.  Here we were trying to converse with the families that have our sons' brothers and at the same time trying to pull James and Sam out of the shy shell they had hidden in.  I would say for the first half hour or so, James just did his own thing and didn't care to interact with any of the new people. 

Thankfully we had thought to bring along the boys' two Tonka dump trucks and one cement mixer because this is what bonded James and his older brothers for most of the day.  It was amazing to see them all interacting together.  James didn't want to leave when we finally said goodbye, but it was getting late, and nap time had passed a long time ago.

James has already been asking when he will see his brothers again.  He recounts part of their day together, and it is very sweet.

I am so happy we have been able to establish a relationship with these other families.  I know it will be beneficial to James and David as they get older.  We have essentially increased our extended family in a way only adoption can do.  Adoption is beautiful in so many ways, and this is just one of them.

Our Adoption Support Group

It finally feels like our adoption support may be starting to come together.  I am talking about the one my husband and I started at our church.  The meeting in September included three interested families, and after talking together and setting up an email group for us, I have a feeling these attendees will return in the future.  They seem to desire people to connect with, share with and offer insight to.  It is good to see the group coming together.  It was great to hear other families' experiences and stories.

At first it seemed like our idea to start the group was a flop.  The first month two interested families came...one that does emergency foster care and one that is interested in adopting through foster care, but I forgot to get contact information, and we haven't seen any of those people since.  The second month no one came at all.  Now, though, we are seeing families who seem genuinely excited about the prospect of the group, and I think we will grow and learn together over the next several months.

We (my husband and I) felt called to start up an adoption support group at our church, and we stepped out in faith, and finally a group is being formed.  It is amazing what God will do when you listen to what He is asking you to do.  : )

Court Trial Results

The court trial for David was yesterday.  Neither birth parent showed up, and the judge went with the advice of the county and by-passed the birth parents for services (meaning they cannot work a case plan in order to regain custody of David).  The court hearing to terminate parental rights is set for January 2013.  Since David will have been in our home six months on Christmas Eve, we will be able to set an adoption date as soon as the appeal period has passed.  All things considered we are not expecting an appeal with this case, but you never know.  It is possible our adoption will take place as early as March 2013.  It is crazy to think David's adoption will likely take place before he is even a year old.  Boy, were we relieved to hear the court's decision, and we look forward to making David a permanent, legal member of our family.

Sibling Connections

Since James' adoption we have been trying to get contact information for his two older brothers (who were adopted...each by a separate family...who we knew had contact with each other).  It wasn't until Sam's adoption worker got the ball rolling that anything became of it though.  I am so grateful to her for that!

Just within the past couple days we have began an email communication with the two families.  Seeing the pictures of James' and Daniel's siblings is amazing!  There is such a resemblance between them.  Each of the families is spread out a little but definitely close enough to set up visits when we feel ready for that.  They already meet together and consider one another extended family.  All of their boys call each other brother.  They did say it was up to us how soon we wanted to meet in person and what we wanted our boys referred to by.

Anyway...this is all so very new, but I feel like it is a wonderful connection that will allow James and Daniel to know their older brothers and develop a relationship with them.  We will have to see how it all works out.

First Visit Attempt

Today was supposed to be a visit with birth dad.  Thankfully my husband had the day off work, so I left the older two boys at home with him and just took David with me to drive to the visit.  We arrived about fifteen minutes early, and my agency worker was already there.  She went inside to see if the birth dad was there, but he hadn't arrived yet.  She got a call from a friend of birth dad saying he was on his way.  When my worker asked more questions she was told he was currently in the shower.  My worker asked to have the birth dad call her when he was done.  He called, and it was decided there was no way he could make it to the visit in a reasonable amount of time, so I was free to head home.  We will try again next week.

Another Court Update

A trial has been set for Sept. because birth dad wants services to be offered, and the court is going with the county's recommendation not to offer services.  With Sam's case, the same thing had happened, and the trial did not change the ruling not to offer services.  We are hoping the same will prove true in David's case.

The more worrisome issue is the courts want the department to assess placing the brothers together, David and Luke.  We are concerned they will decide to pull David out of our home and place him in a home with Luke in order to keep them together because we are unable to take Luke into our home...at this point in time it would be too much.  We already have three little ones who require plenty of attention, and adding a fourth that may have some behavioral issues is not going to be fair to any of the children. 

However, we do have a full sibling in our home, and we are willing to maintain contact with Luke, so hopefully that will sway the decision.  After all Luke and David have never met each other and have no relationship whatsoever; whereas James and David have developed an attachment (at least James to David).  James will randomly tell me throughout the day either "I like him." or "I love him." as he points to baby David. James is so loving with David and will purposefully lay next to him and admire him.  It is so sweet.

I would hate to see what would happen to our family if David is removed.  Both James and Sam are attached to the little guy as are my husband and me, of course.  I will tell you one thing with absolute confidence.  If the county removes David from our home, we are completely done with the world of foster adoption.  We will close up our home and not take another child regardless if siblings come into care or not.  It will be too devastating of a loss.  We already love David as our own and losing him will be unbearable.

If you are the praying type, please pray for our family as we await this decision.

Update on David's Court

Well...court was continued once again last week, but only until this week, so that is not too bad.  The reason behind this is so both David and his two year old brother, Luke, can have their cases combined since they are only in care a month apart from each other, and the plan for both is not to offer services and push for adoption.  My worker thinks birth dad will contest the decision not to offer services and will therefore push for a trial date which will just add more time to the process.

Birth dad has also recently (as in last week) requested visits with David.  My worker thinks he just got the results back from the paternity test, and since he is the father, he would like to start his visits.  The county worker is supposed to give birth dad the phone number for my agency worker, so visits can be set up.  So far I have informed my worker (this was all told to me on Friday), and so far we haven't heard from the birth dad, but I imagine we might by the end of the week.  The visits will be twice a week for an hour each visit, but birth dad will have to call and confirm otherwise I do not need to show up with the baby.

On top of that, sibling visits between the two year old, Luke, and David will need to be started as well.  I am not sure how often those will take place, but it will be interesting since David is 2 months old, and Luke is 2 years old.  Oh well!  We have done it before with Sam, so at least I have an idea of what to expect.

The good news is...we heard that Luke is doing extremely well in the family he was placed with.  He is the youngest one in the home, and the remaining kids are much older.  The family feels they would be willing to adopt if his case goes to adoption.  Both my husband and I were happy to hear this news, and it makes us feel much better about our decision because even to this day I don't think our home would be a good place for Luke because of all our young ones.

Adoption Announcements

Commonly a family will send out adorable announcements when they give birth to their new baby.  In fact I always look forward to receiving the baby announcement containing pictures of the newest addition in the mail.  Things are a little different in the world of adoption through foster care.  Technically the new child in our home is not ours until the court adoption day has taken place, and it is not until that point that announcements can be prepared and sent out to family and friends.

Right now we are preparing Sam's adoption announcements.  My husband and I picked out the layout we liked best this evening, and I began setting aside possible pictures of Sam to use.  Hopefully the pictures we choose will highlight Sam's personality.  Within the next couple days, the announcements will be completed and ordered.  I look forward to sending them out to our friends and family. 


As adoptive families we have to wait a little longer to send out announcements, but it is still important news we want to share with everyone.  It means a lot to us, and hopefully when our sons see the adoption announcements in their baby books, it will mean a lot to them as well.

Saying No & Feeling Guilty

I will be calling back a county worker tomorrow morning to decline placement of James' and David's two year old brother, Lucas.  This decision is the best one we can make for both our current, immediate family and for Lucas.  However, just because this decision is made thinking about all sides of the equation doesn't mean our hearts don't hurt having to say no.  Saying no is an incredibly hard and heart breaking task.

When Lucas was first put into voluntary care, we were informed the family requested he was removed by the time the weekend was over because Lucas was far too aggressive, and it wasn't safe for their baby.  This information made us realize perhaps our home isn't ideal since we have so many young children.  Not knowing whether this aggressive behavior was a result of being scared, we asked for information on his behavior the other day when we were asked about placement.  We were told Lucas is aggressive when he plays, but he is easy to redirect...whatever that actually means.  Besides that, Lucas is a typical two year old and is eating and sleeping well.  This information came from the Children's Receiving Home where Lucas has been living since the first family requested his removal.  That is another red flag to us because it should have been easy to place a two year old in a foster home, but instead he was put into more of a group home type setting.

The aggressive behavior is definitely playing a large role in our decision because we need to keep our current family safe, and we are not sure that would be possible in these circumstances.  Beyond that, our hands are quite full with our current three kids, and putting another child in the middle of the age range, would be an incredible amount of work.  We feel it would be detrimental to Lucas because he won't receive all the attention and care he will need due to the needs of the younger children, but at the same time, the other children would be pushed aside because the aggressive behaviors would need to be addressed right away because their safety would be at risk. 

Basically I am not sure I could be a good mom to all four boys if we were to take Lucas in our home.  I think all the children would suffer to some degree from adding an older child to the mix who we really have no information about...besides the fact that his parents are drug users, he was pretty much been homeless, he has no structure, he has been living with lots of people who have criminal records for a variety of disturbing reasons, etc.  I fear more intense behaviors will surface as Lucas settles into a safe environment because, unfortunately, I believe he is victim to far more than we are aware of at the moment.

As it is now, sometimes I don't feel like a good mom.  Adding another child, especially one with intense behavior, would only overwhelm me at this point in time.  Not to mention, I don't think my current children would handle that adjustment well...bringing in a child older and bigger (besides James still being the oldest).  Bringing a baby home was a natural way to add to the family, and the boys have taken it in stride (James has been good to go from the beginning, and Sam has recently adjusted to having a baby around).  I would be adding more insecurity to their lives by adding an older child, and I don't want to do that for my current children's sake or for Lucas' sake.  To be honest, it can feel overwhelming with three small kids, all three and under, throughout the day.  I wouldn't change it though.  I love my boys, and I am adjusting and getting a little more equipped to handle my three each day.

Hopefully despite my mistakes as a person and a mom, my boys will flourish and grow into secure young men.  I definitely cannot do it on my own.  I need God's help every step of the way.

No-Show

Yesterday was supposed to be a visit with birth mom.  She was a no-show.  She didn't call and cancel like she has done in the past...she just never came.  I had printed off some pictures of David for her and put them in the visit bag.  I will leave them there in case she decides to continue visits.  Sadly thus far birth mom has only attended two out of a possible six visits, and those were the very first visits we had set up.

So...I was frustrated at first when the visits started, and now I am frustrated again because birth mom was a no-show.  She just can't win, I suppose.  And, neither can I...I still fail to have a picture of her for my boys...or anything else to offer them.

Court Update

Court was held for David yesterday.  The case was continued until August due to ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) not being informed in a timely manner.  We are not too concerned about this because our son, James, came from the same parents, and the Indian portion never complicated his case.  The paternity test came back positive, so the alleged father is the biological father.  That means he also has legal rights to visits with David.  I imagine those will be set up shortly.  Hopefully both birth mom and birth dad can have visits together or we can have their visits back to back to cut down on travel time for the boys and me.  I mean...my boys deserve to have some normalcy in the midst of all this craziness.

However, on the note of visits, birth mom did not make either of her visits this week because she is out of bus passes.  I am not sure if this is a sign of what's to come or not.  However, I am grateful she called in advance, so I didn't needlessly load all three kids up and drive over for no purpose.  We will just have to wait and see if she makes the Tuesday visit next week or not.  I would have thought for sure she would have made this week's visits because of court and all.  So far she has only made 2/5 possible visits.  Kinda sad...

Visit Cancelled

Yesterday was supposed to be a visit day; however, I was informed that birth mom cancelled...something about not having any more bus passes.  I was surprised since court is today, so I would have thought birth mom would definitely make the visit right before court.  Oh well!

I ended up taking the boys to a park play date with our moms group instead.  That was nice because we hadn't seen many of those friends for some time.  In fact only one or two moms had already met David before this point. 

It was exhausting keeping up with all my boys at the park!  Having other moms nearby with available hands made the park time slightly less crazy.  Eventually I will get my rhythm with all three boys, but it is an adjustment on many levels.

Public Health Nurse

There is a new system for foster children that requires a public health nurse to come out to the home for a visit and to assess the child developmentally.  Yesterday morning was our visit.  I was given several pamphlets, none of which I need to reference...shaken baby, effects of smoking around babies, car seat safety, why babies cry, etc.  The nurse also asked about doctor's appointments and establishing WIC for the baby.  Basically she wanted to make sure the child is getting proper medical care and nutrition, and it also gives them extra eyes from professionals on the child's well being.  Since these public health visits were originally started due to poor foster children care, this all makes sense.

The assessment was essentially a questionnaire along with some participation on David's part.  The nurse told me she isn't fond of this assessment tool because it covers from one month all the way to three months using the same criteria, and those of you whom have raised infants know a lot changes throughout that age range.  I was able to answer yes to many questions, and there were quite a few that were no.  Nothing concerned the nurse since David is on the one month side of things, and he realistically shouldn't be able to perform all the listed tasks.

I was told the public health nurse will be closing this case.  Sometimes cases are left open when there are large concerns, and more visits would be scheduled.  I should expect to hear from Early Intervention within the next couple months.  They will also be required to come to the home and do an assessment.  One thing is for sure...with both the public health nurse and Early Intervention assessments, issues with the children should be caught hopefully early and services put into place to assist that child.

Different Eyes

I have noticed over time my perspective changes.  I start to see through different eyes.  This is true regarding multiple subjects, but for the moment, I am going to focus on my view perspective as related to foster care and adoption.  Starting at the beginning of our journey when we first had James placed in our home to life to now with three children, two adopted, one foster baby...just in this short time (3 years) my thoughts and perceptions have become altered.

Clothing
I love to buy baby/toddler/little boy clothes.  It is fun to go shopping and find great deals and cute clothing items.  When we first had James in our home, my husband and I made a decision that we would not dress James in any clothing that talked about Mommy or Daddy because it didn't seem right...at least not while his parents still had legal rights.  It wasn't until James' adoption was final that we started buying or receiving clothes that spoke about Mommy or Daddy. 

With the next two little boys, we were not concerned about whether the clothing said Mommy or Daddy on it because technically while the children are in our home, we are their foster Mommy and Daddy, and we are taking care of all their needs as a parents does...not to mention loving them as our own from the beginning. We didn't dress the kids in Mommy/Daddy type clothes for visits because that seemed wrong since obviously the kids don't just wear their clothes for visit days.

Pictures
From the very beginning I started to develop pictures and put them aside for James' birth mom.  I thought it was a small gesture and something meaningful to the birth parents...or at least I would have wanted that if the roles were reversed.  Well...once James came to our home, his birth mom never showed up for visits, and after a couple weeks, I stopped developing pictures for her since we couldn't get a hold of her.

With Sam I also developed pictures for his birth parents.  I printed off several of them (with only Sam in the picture and no identifying information) and put them in separate envelopes for each parent.  I did this about once a month, and I know the birth dad appreciated it because he even asked the transporter to request more pictures.  The birth mom only got one set of pictures before she stopped showing up for visits, and the county has her remaining pictures, but she was never willing to come in to get them although they called and let her know they were available to her.  I was also able to send in a disposable camera and got some pictures of Sam with both his birth mom and birth dad.  Those pictures may be very special to Sam as he gets older.

Now with David I finally sent in an order to get a few pictures developed to send to birth mom's next visit.  I think there are seven pictures in all which is not an incredible lot, but it is still a nice gesture.  I realize I do not have as many individual pictures of David because a lot of times other people are in the pictures with him...part of that is because he is so young, but the other part is because some of the pictures of Sam or James with David are so stinking adorable.  I will try to do the once a month send some pictures for David's birth mom, and I plan to buy a disposable camera to get some pictures of the two of them...if possible because those pictures may be important to David or even James as they get older.

Visits
With James I actually wanted the birth mom to show up for the visits...if nothing else so I could tell James she did when he got older.  I kept holding out hope that James would be the reason/motivation for the birth mom to turn her life around...not that I wanted James to leave our home or anything...but it would be good for the birth mom to change her lifestyle.

Sam's visits were run by the county with a transporter involved for pick up and delivery.  This is an incredibly odd circumstance because generally the county wants the agency to take care of all of these details.  However, there was grave concern for our family's safety, so the visits were established this way, and we were even told not to attend the court hearings.  These visits were frustrating...partly because the huge safety concern and partly because they affected James so much.  James did not like seeing Sam loaded into a stranger's car and driven away, and I can't say I can blame him because I didn't care for it at all.  The visits would mess up Sam's schedule for the remaining part of the day.

Now with David I don't look forward to the visits at all.  I am waiting for the birth mom to stop showing up, as she has done with all her children in the past.  I have so many mixed emotions in relation to the visits, and it is hard to decipher through them all.  Not only that, but it is a bit of a pain to load all three boys up, drive David over, drop him off for a visit, entertain the other two for an hour and then return to pick up David.  Even at this young age, David seems a little clingy after visits...not wanting to be put down...just simply wanting to be held.  The visits have reeked havoc on Sam's napping schedule as well.  Each time (only twice now) Sam has fallen asleep on the drive home (maybe 20 minutes), and he is unwilling to continue or have a decent nap upon our arrival home.  In other words, Sam doesn't sleep long enough on visit days and is a little more grouchy in the later afternoon/evening. 

I cannot express myself very well, and I am not sure if I am making the greatest sense, but the reality is my sense of idealism that permeated my thoughts at the beginning of our journey down the foster/adoption road, has been clouded over, muddied up and changed.  I no longer see the best in the circumstances or wish for a 180 change from the birth parents.  Instead I see a sad situation where a woman is so addicted to drugs she has lost her ability to function as a parent to her children.  I would have thought losing a child would have been enough to force a lifestyle change, but it never did, and I don't see how losing baby #5 can make a larger, more lasting impression.

Where is my faith?  I serve a BIG God, and I believe he makes miracles happen all the time.  However, this goes beyond that and gets stuck in the personal choice.  In order to get out of years and years of drug addiction and change your entire lifestyle and everything you know up to this point, you would have to want that change, and not only that, but you would need God in your corner helping you overcome.  It wouldn't be a simple road by any means, and I do believe it is possible, and if I am completely honest, I do hope some day James' and David's birth mom will find a way to break through this addiction and lead a healthier life.  In my human limitations, though, I don't see that happening in the very near future. 

Dreaded Phone Call

Sam's adoption took place on Monday, as you already know.  While we were at the courthouse, I asked my county worker to please suspend the mandatory (court ordered) sibling visitations.  That same day, I got a call from the foster mom who has Sam's older brother, but I let her go to voice mail because I didn't feel like ruining Sam's adoption day by talking with her.  She basically asked me to call her because she had some questions for me.

I put off calling her back until today because quite honestly, I dreaded how the conversation might go.  Since both older boys were asleep for their naps, and I had baby David sleeping peacefully on my chest while I rocked him in the rocking chair, I decided it was as good of a time as any to make the phone call.  Surprisingly, the conversation went very well, and I feel like we ended the call on good terms.  I do think the other mom was probably offended that we didn't tell her about the adoption ourselves, but we feel good with that decision because we cannot trust the information not to make it back to the birth parents. 

The other mom did ask about continuing sibling visits, and I told her I also want to allow the boys to have contact, but for the moment, I need to settle in with our new baby and all of his visits and requirements.  I told her once everything settles down, I would be willing to get together again.  She told me to call when I feel ready to set up a visit.  She just wanted to make sure we were still willing to get the boys together because she doesn't want them not to know each other as they grow up.

There was more to the conversation but nothing noteworthy.  I am glad it went as smoothly as it did...I was a little concerned about how she might react.  Apparently I didn't need to be so worried.

So Thoughtful

There have been several people who have stepped forward and either offered us baby stuff to borrow, bought us baby items or just offered to assist in any way or to bring meals for our family.  We are grateful for all the wonderful friends and family who have/are supporting us in this way.  After all, we were the ones who had decided we were done at two kids, and we sold all our baby items just a month before getting baby David put into our home.  Apparently God had other plans for our family, and we couldn't be happier to have the incredible addition of James' baby brother.  However, initially it did put us in a slight bind to prepare for his arrival.

My husband's work even put together a diaper cake and had it sitting in his cubicle upon his return to work (he took the whole first week with David off work).  The diaper cake had plenty of size 2 diapers (will work great since it will be the next size up), some washcloths, diaper rash ointment, baby socks, and an adorable green frog snuggle blanket.  What a thoughtful gesture from my husband's coworkers!

I am thankful for each and every item sent our way.  What a blessing it has been for our family!

Oh, Happy Adoption Day!

Today was Sam's adoption day.  We all arrived at the court house early, and we only had to wait a short while before we were called into the court room for the signing of the official, legal adoption paperwork.  We had a smaller group of family members this time around (my parents, our aunt, and our niece) as well as three workers (one county and two agency workers) who have seen us through our journey.  We took some pictures and then headed out to a restaurant for breakfast.

Breakfast was enjoyable, and all the little ones did extremely well both at the court house and at the restaurant.  It was so nice to celebrate with our family together after the court gathering.  It was also probably a good idea that we went somewhere nearby for breakfast as opposed to heading back to our house and feeding everyone there because Sam was reaching his limit by the time we were almost back home again.  Everyone took a good nap after all the morning's excitement.

This afternoon we went over to a local water park to play since it was a hotter day than we are used to.  Then we returned home, had dinner, played and got ready for bed.

It is so wonderful to have Sam added to our family through adoption!  We appreciate everyone who has supported us as we have followed the foster/adoption path with all the twists, bumps and curves.  At 16 months of age, Sam is now a permanent part of our family, and we now make all decisions for him without needing to seek case worker or court permission.