Different Eyes

I have noticed over time my perspective changes.  I start to see through different eyes.  This is true regarding multiple subjects, but for the moment, I am going to focus on my view perspective as related to foster care and adoption.  Starting at the beginning of our journey when we first had James placed in our home to life to now with three children, two adopted, one foster baby...just in this short time (3 years) my thoughts and perceptions have become altered.

Clothing
I love to buy baby/toddler/little boy clothes.  It is fun to go shopping and find great deals and cute clothing items.  When we first had James in our home, my husband and I made a decision that we would not dress James in any clothing that talked about Mommy or Daddy because it didn't seem right...at least not while his parents still had legal rights.  It wasn't until James' adoption was final that we started buying or receiving clothes that spoke about Mommy or Daddy. 

With the next two little boys, we were not concerned about whether the clothing said Mommy or Daddy on it because technically while the children are in our home, we are their foster Mommy and Daddy, and we are taking care of all their needs as a parents does...not to mention loving them as our own from the beginning. We didn't dress the kids in Mommy/Daddy type clothes for visits because that seemed wrong since obviously the kids don't just wear their clothes for visit days.

Pictures
From the very beginning I started to develop pictures and put them aside for James' birth mom.  I thought it was a small gesture and something meaningful to the birth parents...or at least I would have wanted that if the roles were reversed.  Well...once James came to our home, his birth mom never showed up for visits, and after a couple weeks, I stopped developing pictures for her since we couldn't get a hold of her.

With Sam I also developed pictures for his birth parents.  I printed off several of them (with only Sam in the picture and no identifying information) and put them in separate envelopes for each parent.  I did this about once a month, and I know the birth dad appreciated it because he even asked the transporter to request more pictures.  The birth mom only got one set of pictures before she stopped showing up for visits, and the county has her remaining pictures, but she was never willing to come in to get them although they called and let her know they were available to her.  I was also able to send in a disposable camera and got some pictures of Sam with both his birth mom and birth dad.  Those pictures may be very special to Sam as he gets older.

Now with David I finally sent in an order to get a few pictures developed to send to birth mom's next visit.  I think there are seven pictures in all which is not an incredible lot, but it is still a nice gesture.  I realize I do not have as many individual pictures of David because a lot of times other people are in the pictures with him...part of that is because he is so young, but the other part is because some of the pictures of Sam or James with David are so stinking adorable.  I will try to do the once a month send some pictures for David's birth mom, and I plan to buy a disposable camera to get some pictures of the two of them...if possible because those pictures may be important to David or even James as they get older.

Visits
With James I actually wanted the birth mom to show up for the visits...if nothing else so I could tell James she did when he got older.  I kept holding out hope that James would be the reason/motivation for the birth mom to turn her life around...not that I wanted James to leave our home or anything...but it would be good for the birth mom to change her lifestyle.

Sam's visits were run by the county with a transporter involved for pick up and delivery.  This is an incredibly odd circumstance because generally the county wants the agency to take care of all of these details.  However, there was grave concern for our family's safety, so the visits were established this way, and we were even told not to attend the court hearings.  These visits were frustrating...partly because the huge safety concern and partly because they affected James so much.  James did not like seeing Sam loaded into a stranger's car and driven away, and I can't say I can blame him because I didn't care for it at all.  The visits would mess up Sam's schedule for the remaining part of the day.

Now with David I don't look forward to the visits at all.  I am waiting for the birth mom to stop showing up, as she has done with all her children in the past.  I have so many mixed emotions in relation to the visits, and it is hard to decipher through them all.  Not only that, but it is a bit of a pain to load all three boys up, drive David over, drop him off for a visit, entertain the other two for an hour and then return to pick up David.  Even at this young age, David seems a little clingy after visits...not wanting to be put down...just simply wanting to be held.  The visits have reeked havoc on Sam's napping schedule as well.  Each time (only twice now) Sam has fallen asleep on the drive home (maybe 20 minutes), and he is unwilling to continue or have a decent nap upon our arrival home.  In other words, Sam doesn't sleep long enough on visit days and is a little more grouchy in the later afternoon/evening. 

I cannot express myself very well, and I am not sure if I am making the greatest sense, but the reality is my sense of idealism that permeated my thoughts at the beginning of our journey down the foster/adoption road, has been clouded over, muddied up and changed.  I no longer see the best in the circumstances or wish for a 180 change from the birth parents.  Instead I see a sad situation where a woman is so addicted to drugs she has lost her ability to function as a parent to her children.  I would have thought losing a child would have been enough to force a lifestyle change, but it never did, and I don't see how losing baby #5 can make a larger, more lasting impression.

Where is my faith?  I serve a BIG God, and I believe he makes miracles happen all the time.  However, this goes beyond that and gets stuck in the personal choice.  In order to get out of years and years of drug addiction and change your entire lifestyle and everything you know up to this point, you would have to want that change, and not only that, but you would need God in your corner helping you overcome.  It wouldn't be a simple road by any means, and I do believe it is possible, and if I am completely honest, I do hope some day James' and David's birth mom will find a way to break through this addiction and lead a healthier life.  In my human limitations, though, I don't see that happening in the very near future.