I will be calling back a county worker tomorrow morning to decline placement of James' and David's two year old brother, Lucas. This decision is the best one we can make for both our current, immediate family and for Lucas. However, just because this decision is made thinking about all sides of the equation doesn't mean our hearts don't hurt having to say no. Saying no is an incredibly hard and heart breaking task.
When Lucas was first put into voluntary care, we were informed the family requested he was removed by the time the weekend was over because Lucas was far too aggressive, and it wasn't safe for their baby. This information made us realize perhaps our home isn't ideal since we have so many young children. Not knowing whether this aggressive behavior was a result of being scared, we asked for information on his behavior the other day when we were asked about placement. We were told Lucas is aggressive when he plays, but he is easy to redirect...whatever that actually means. Besides that, Lucas is a typical two year old and is eating and sleeping well. This information came from the Children's Receiving Home where Lucas has been living since the first family requested his removal. That is another red flag to us because it should have been easy to place a two year old in a foster home, but instead he was put into more of a group home type setting.
The aggressive behavior is definitely playing a large role in our decision because we need to keep our current family safe, and we are not sure that would be possible in these circumstances. Beyond that, our hands are quite full with our current three kids, and putting another child in the middle of the age range, would be an incredible amount of work. We feel it would be detrimental to Lucas because he won't receive all the attention and care he will need due to the needs of the younger children, but at the same time, the other children would be pushed aside because the aggressive behaviors would need to be addressed right away because their safety would be at risk.
Basically I am not sure I could be a good mom to all four boys if we were to take Lucas in our home. I think all the children would suffer to some degree from adding an older child to the mix who we really have no information about...besides the fact that his parents are drug users, he was pretty much been homeless, he has no structure, he has been living with lots of people who have criminal records for a variety of disturbing reasons, etc. I fear more intense behaviors will surface as Lucas settles into a safe environment because, unfortunately, I believe he is victim to far more than we are aware of at the moment.
As it is now, sometimes I don't feel like a good mom. Adding another child, especially one with intense behavior, would only overwhelm me at this point in time. Not to mention, I don't think my current children would handle that adjustment well...bringing in a child older and bigger (besides James still being the oldest). Bringing a baby home was a natural way to add to the family, and the boys have taken it in stride (James has been good to go from the beginning, and Sam has recently adjusted to having a baby around). I would be adding more insecurity to their lives by adding an older child, and I don't want to do that for my current children's sake or for Lucas' sake. To be honest, it can feel overwhelming with three small kids, all three and under, throughout the day. I wouldn't change it though. I love my boys, and I am adjusting and getting a little more equipped to handle my three each day.
Hopefully despite my mistakes as a person and a mom, my boys will flourish and grow into secure young men. I definitely cannot do it on my own. I need God's help every step of the way.
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