Sibling Visits

James and David

Towards the beginning of January we had sibling visit with the older adopted brothers of James and David.  This was our second get together with all three families (technically we saw one of the families when we went to Disneyland).  We invited everyone to come to our house since the weather is questionable at this time of year.  Everyone stayed for about five hours before they finally departed and went their own ways.  It was great to see the boys all interact together.  James seemed to gravitate to his oldest brother, Andy.  This may be because James had just seen Andy in Disneyland, or it could be because Andy was the first to arrive, and James and Andy were able to play for about an our before Ted showed up, or it could just because James is more drawn towards Andy...who knows.  James did play with Ted as well, but he definitely seemed to stick closer to Andy.

The awkward moments of the visit included not being informed that we would be exchanging gifts.  It was after Christmas, and honestly, we just didn't think about it.  Well...we felt absolutely awful because the other families came bearing gifts galore.  I am not exaggerating when I say it was like Christmas morning in our house all over again (that is how many gifts were given).  We did speak with the other families, and it has been decided in the future, it will discussed in advance, so all families are aware of the plans regarding gifts.  This is just one of the little ways we are reminded that we are new to the group, and they already have quite the established relationship developed.  Another way it is pointed out that we are new and still in "probationary mode" is the fact that after each get together the other two families always immediately get together to "debrief" about the visit.

One of the families seems really open to getting together whenever we can make it happen.  This is Andy's family, the one we met up with at Disneyland.  However, Ted's family, or should I say his mom, seem to think if my family is getting together with them, the other family must be present as well.  This was shown to me when I discussed going to the beach together sometime, and the dad was enthusiastic about it, yet his wife started suggesting beaches much farther away that would allow all families to participate.  It will be interesting to see how all of our relationships develop.  We definitely want a good relationship for the sake of our boys and their siblings, but right now, in the beginning stages, it is quite difficult.

Sam

We had an unexpected couple of visits with Sam's older brother, Tom, this month as well.  This is the same brother we had court ordered visits with when Sam was a foster child.  We received a call from Tom's mom (she finally adopted him in November...thank goodness!) stating that she would be moving out of state in eight days and would like to get the boys together for pictures before they left.  We, of course, were more than willing to make that work; my husband even took a day off work, so he could be present.  The first visit we had one day notice (very typical of this lady).  We met at park and played for a little over an hour.  It was interesting to say the least.  A birth aunt was there although we were not informed in advance that she would...supposedly she is the most normal of their family.  When it was time to leave, the mom wanted to get together one more time, so we set up a decision to get together Sunday late afternoon.  That was cancelled very last minute and rescheduled to the following day in the evening.  We met at Burger King (not our pick), and the kids played in the play area...although they didn't really play that much together.

We are glad we got together with Tom before he moved away.  I was able to get some cute pictures of the brothers together.  We are sad that he moved out of state.  We always thought he could be a biological connection for Sam as he got older because it seemed like their plan was to stay here indefinitely.  It is sad to see that forced away from Sam.  It isn't Sam's fault his parents couldn't take care of him.  It isn't Sam's fault he was separated from his siblings (not that he has ever really known them).  This isn't how a family is supposed to be...you are supposed to be raised by your parents and live with your siblings.  Don't get me wrong, we choose to adopt our children, and I love our family, but I feel so bad that we cannot give them what they may need as they get older.  At least James has David, a biological connection in our home, and he also has the connection with his older adopted brothers which I think will always be available to him.  Right now Sam has no connections.  We are still hoping if his birth parents have another child, we will be able to take that child in, so Sam, too, can have a biological connection in our home.

Did I mention James thinks it is so cool that Sam has a "faraway brother" too?  This is the coinage we have come up with to help James process why his brothers do not live with him.

My Thoughts

It is hard being an adoptive parent, not knowing what your kids will need as they get older as far as biological connections and information related to their birth families. I know even giving birth to a child, you don't know how they will handle situations as they get older, and you try your best to set them up for success, but you cannot control the choices they make.  In my mind, that feel so magnified as an adoptive parent because there are so many factors at play, and we don't have the complete story.  We don't know the genetics or health history.  You are always left wondering is this just because the child is __ years old or is a reflection of the drug use they were exposed to in the womb.  Will they choose to follow the path of their birth family as they get older (not so much as in seeking out their birth families...we will help coordinate that when they are adults [18] and can handle everything that encompasses that decision)...but the choice to use drugs, give away their bodies, and continue the cycle of CPS in their lives.  We certainly hope through our prayers and modeling, we can help them choose a good life for themselves.  However, I am no fool.  I know even in birth families, children make their own decisions.  After all my two brothers both dealt with a lot of issues in their teen years and beyond.  I only want what is best for my boys, and I want to be able to give them what they need as they get older, but I don't know if I will be able to...either because of my limited knowledge or the severed relationships that won't be put back together.  It is all so mind boggling.